From the, The Adventures of Late Bloomer.
It was 4 Minutes to the start of The St. Kilda Beach Front Music Tour featuring a plethora of musicians from both sides of the hemisphere. Madonna and Justin Timberlake were to kick off the event with their current number one hit and were also to co-Emcee the event but they were nowhere to be seen!
MADONNA AND JUSTIN KIDNAPPED.
RANSOM WANTED: 50 MILLION EUROS
BY MIDNITE 2MRW OR ELSE…
DETAILS TO BE POSTED L8R.
“Damn it! No show?” Some obviously self-centered fan moaned, “ I just bought last-minute tickets on ebay for an arm and leg! Nigga this suxxxs!”
The Police (Not Sting and his band), I mean, the real boys and girls in blue were called to investigate the serious flaws that enabled the kidnapping. In less than an hour, news of the kidnapping had blown over and made international.
I was sucking hard at my Lollipop while reliving the events of the last few hours when my good mate Mika, who was visiting from Britain, burst into my living room with a Big Girl in tow. It was clear that Mika was in the dark about the kidnapping when I saw his jaw drop as he digested the news bulletin that was airing on the tube. I quickly filled him in on the happenings. He looked whitewashed and perplexed as my words sank in. I reassured him using his own mantra: to Relax and Take it Easy as I was certain that there would be a Happy Ending to all of this.We decided to call it a night but I hardly had a wink of sleep.Tossing and turning I started to compiled a list of likely suspects in my head.
Well, for one, the Androids (whate’va happened to them?), had always wanted to Do It With Madonna. It made huge sense that they had a palpable motive to kidnap her and shower her with some groupie love, but what would they want with JT? Maybe for him it was a case of being at the right place at the wrong time. Was JT a victim of circumstance?
My next suspect was MJ, as he was a self-confessed Smooth Criminal. The question was: Would he risk such a public stunt just to regain some of the fame that he had once enjoyed?
Knowing what a weirdo he has turned out to be…he would probably not need to wear a mask to hide his face(sic). He would have wanted and in fact he would have savored the public recognition. So, it was highly unlikely that he was the culprit but I would still keep him on the list just because JT had stolen some of his dance moves!Well there you go now! MJ had two pure unadulterated(sic) motives. One: He had a personal vendetta against the dude that stole his moves and, two: He loathed the madonna that stole his spotlight!
Then there was Kylie…She was my number three suspect, not mainly because of motive but because of opportunity. I mean here we were in Australia, where the kidnapping had taken place and it is a fact that Kylie is Australian born and bred so she had the connections and geographic knowledge of the place. She could have used those two resources to organise a kidnapping. In addition, everyone knows she has been arch-rivals with Madonna for yonks. Maybe her sister Danni was in on it too as a part time gig? I was starting to sound delirious…but, “Kylie...,” Now speaking loudly to myself, “... I just Can’t Get You Out of My Head!” But I still had 2 hearts about my suspicions of her.I mean she had just battled cancer and succeed, so needless to say, I had a soft-spot for her…
Suddenly I couldn’t think! I live next door to the kids from Operator Please who were always creating a racket any time of day and now, 3 a.m in the ef***g morning, there was heavy pounding coming from their apartment. It sounded like someone there was playing ping pong (again!!!) Now we know what inspired their “Just A Song About Ping Pong”. A lot has to be said about popular music these days but the long and short of it is : anything goes…
So I nearly asphyxiatemyself using my pillow as I fought a losing battle to sleep.I simply had no peace of mind to afford me some 40 winks.
xox
The next day, a myriad of musicians who were involved in the now dubbed, “Kidnapped Music Tour: Save Marge and JT ”, had gathered at the Transit Hotel in Federation Square in order to give morale support to Marge and JT and to condemn the "act of terrorism". Others were just there to be seen...
By the time I arrived at the venue there was tight security all around and I was let in only because the bouncers recognized my pal Mika who indicated that I was with him.
50 Cent, Jay-z and P. Diddy were the designated spokesmen for the music industry in the matter, not only because they had the Bad Boy image going for them, but also because they were apt business men and they had been appropriated the responsibility to raise the ransom money that would enable the release of Marge and JT. For once in their life they were going to put some of their bodacious lyrics and lame acting skills into practice. The laid back Fi’ddy was currently facing a vicious media who were coming for him left, right and center with 21 questions. P.Diddy, who was notorious for his one liners bailed 50 cent out by drawling out, “Ya’ll know, Mo Money, Mo Problems! No comment.”
Soon, a closed meeting was called for by Madonna’s and JT’s managers and publicists. It was only open for celebrity musicians and their entourage. Mika managed to sneak me in without much drama.Discussions were abuzz with speculation and to make matters more edgy, no word had been heard from the kidnapper(s) yet after the previous day's video of the kidnapping. I overheard Mariah Carey saying to a bunch of other musicians clustered around her that what we really needed was a Hero. Chad Kroger seemed to concur with her as he was nodding his head but Tina (Turner), who by the way was still in great form, retracted, “ C’mon ya'll, We don’t need another hero!”
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(Watch this space as the saga unravels and also for a revised version of this post as it is currently being updated.)
