Bethany: "Having a greater appreciation of who and what you are.Am not offended."-Bethany Horowitz, Boston Legal.
So now the other day I was forced to have a talk with my shrink before the circumstances in my life push me over the edge and right into a loonie bin. I had missed a couple of sessions and my shrink wasn't too pleased with my lack of manners for not being courteous enough to call and cancel.
By the way my shrink lives in the miasma that is called BLACK FEMALE BRAIN...in a purple-velvety sound proof chamber that is only furnished with two humongous leather seats in the middle and small coffee table that always has two glasses of water on top of it, that are always half full... This is her attempt at being minimalistic.
My shrink is my alter ego, Late Bloomer. She is also known to have travelled all over the world and has shook hands, and wined and dined the RICH AND THE FAMOUS.Apart from writing a thesis on human behaviour and its peculiarities, plus several best-seller books on human psychology...She is also currently writing her Late Bloomer's Travel Chronicles.But that is a story for another day... did I tell you that she is a midget? Yep.
Today I had this appointment with her at 3.00pm sharp. I was the last patient scheduled for her to see.One haughty look at me over her thick ebony rimmed glasses and she knew things were thick. She could not fathom a 1hr session with me after having dealt with so many loonies today but she had her solution...
By the way you can't tell that she is not so enthusiastic about her job as she is always nodding avidly as the loonie(in this case, me) speaks their mind and pours their heart out to her...until the day I found out that she was nodding her way to deep slumber! So i figured she sticks to the job for the quick buck...an easy $500/hr earned and all she has to offer in the end is a quick summary of your life and ask you how you intend to solve your problems. See...no sweat! I figure it is for the same reason Miss Bloomer hasn't sent me to the bin yet...its all about the money, and money makes the world go round you know...
So now, how to solve my problems? That's the part I hate most...b'coz then I have to think. You know I haven't ever been a good problem solver, my mathematics is very rusty, and that's why my life is such a mess. And then agen I could always jump a cliff...but that was Alfie's solution to his problems and we never could see eye to eye in anything...so in that case am not jumping a cliff...especially not the same cliff he made a leap to his death from.(Alfie was my good friend, best friend, only friend.)
Did I tell you that I was there when he decided to jump? Now, you know my life is fucked up,but that's not even a drop of it! His lasts words as he took the giant leap into the after-life were,
"AM COMIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNG!", and I swear to you that was the first time I saw him get an erection! He believed in re-incanation... That he was to be an African Prince in the next life...
Nway back to the plot. One way or another, speaking to my shrink does offer me some solace.She doesn't offer solutions...just a half-listening ear.So now someone is wondering why the hell I have to pay 500bucks an hr for someone to listen to me...don't I have friends?You wonder. See, all my friends except Alfie(R.I.P) are in the loonie bin already...and you guessed it...courtesy of moi!(mwaah)
People say I am a grumpy person, but look at the world around you and there is so much to be unhappy about.There is global warming, kids shooting each other in schools, people humping each other around...(I dont get much sex,by the way.)
They also say that I am very trivial (a.k.a petty). So that makes me what? A petty grump?
Anyway if you ask me...am just a realist.Kwanza for that 500/hr session...there should be at least a pretty face sitting at the reception...instead I am greeted by a shoe that "talks like a fish and has the personality of a goat." Now you see why am grumpy?
Anyway, that's it for now people. You were very mistaken if you thought I would divulge the details of my session with my shrink.Thats a storo is very privileged and confidential material save for another day when I can at least laugh at my situation.For now BOSTON LEGAL beacons.
Gotta Love Denny Crane!
